The Stillmans

Where have YOU been?

2011-09-28T00:06:00.003-04:00

I posted something funny (well, I thought so), made a grammatical error, and couldn't correct it because blogspot hates me, somehow lost the whole post. The gist is: Tyler's job is now tenure-track, we bought a house, I'm not nauseated anymore, and we've been potty-training Claire.

Then I posted a pic of our cute new boy. It looked something like this:

And now, it is 10pm, 30 minutes past my bedtime. Pretend I was funny and charming, won't you?

Pretend its July 7th

2011-07-13T10:20:00.009-04:00

A little girl that I affectionately call "C2" recently had a birthday. On July 7, t0 be exact. That's right, she and daddy have birthdays right next to each other.

I love her. We had a tough time for the first few months of her life. But with every little layer of independence she becomes a little more content.

Some of our favorite things about her include:

her beautiful smile, so easy to get
her little bouts of crankiness marked by a squeal, shaking of the head and throwing out her arm and waving it as if to say "stay away from me"
her affectionate nature - even as a very young baby she would put her head on my shoulder or chest and just rest it there, wide awake (loves giving dad cuddles, too)
her adoration of her big sister Claire
and her love of books. She just loves to look and listen to us read. It's adorable.

If you have made it to the end of this post, here's the big news. I am twelve weeks pregnant today. The baby is due January 26th. Caroline with be older by about 18 1/2 months. I am in sweet, sweet denial as to what I am in for.

We really are so happy and excited. I have a hard time wrapping my mind around all of my blessings.

He's getting up there

2011-07-05T22:24:00.010-04:00

Celebration time, come on.

Today is Tyler's birthday. Thus, here are some random facts.

1. He has the greatest arms and shoulders. Shallow, you say? How judgmental of you. Here's my line of thinking: that bod's not going to last forever, and I will love him wildly regardless. But while he's got it, do excuse me while I enjoy.

2. He listens - not pretend listens while he thinks of what he's going to say next. He is an interesting person, but generally he is more interested in the person he's talking to.

3. He is a merciless tease.

4. Loves to hide in closets and jump out at his girls. And chase his girls. And throw his girls in the air. He is a human playground, really.

5. He is slow to judge and draw conclusions about people.

6. Loves to slap my posterior, hard, every chance he gets. It is so annoying!

Love you, babe.

And so do certain little girls.

Bubbles

2011-05-24T17:08:00.000-04:00

Deeeeeelicious!

Driving

2011-05-02T11:45:00.009-04:00

We have a 3 1/2 hour drive up to Salt Lake. I always dread it (because of a certain little baby who doesn't like being her her carseat that long).

Oh? She wouldn't hurt a fly, eh?

But it really is such a beautiful drive.

It's like heaven when they're sleeping, it's a sunny day, and I've got a good pair of sunglasses on.

Let's not talk about when they wake up and we still have an hour and a half left.

Let's never, ever talk about it. Unless it's during therapy.

Post Birthday Reflection

2011-04-30T16:16:00.008-04:00

My 37th birthday can be summed up with one word, and that is CAKE.

Cake.

There were the banana pancakes my husband made me in the early morning.

The Pastry Pub Tiger Chocolate cake my husband brought me in the afternoon.

The personalized "Happy Birthday Debra" cake made by my visiting teacher and friend, Deb M.

And the Cafe Rio Tres Leches cake purchased by my lovely lady friends at lunch.

It was truly a cakealicious birthday. And some of it actually made it to the next day, which made me kind of proud of myself. The self that lately is a big fan of pretty constant face-stuffing.

Another birthday gift - this gracious lady has joined us.

My Grandma Kidd, who has lived in beautiful Northern California her whole life, decided to try Salt Lake City for a change.

We're so glad to have her. I hope she likes Utah as much as I do.

Birthday Girl

2011-04-29T12:17:00.001-04:00

A few things about Debra:

1) Her daughter sometimes calls her “Princess Mommy.” This is because she recognizes that Debra is as pretty as a Disney princess. Plus wild animals help her with the housework.

2) She is enthusiastic. I deliberately and consciously under-react to good news, but Debra can’t help herself. She’ll take any excuse to be excited and enthusiastic.

3) She can’t go shopping without returning with something new for the girls to play with. And chocolate chips.

4) Most people are afraid to reveal their moral and ethical shortcomings to others. Debra is frank about hers, and not in a “That’s who I am and you better like it” way. She’s just not afraid to admit her faults. Most people are more comfortable admitting others’ faults.

5) She has the most beautiful voice on earth.

6) When she gets into bed, it takes her 22 minutes to properly adjust the pillows and blankets. TWENTY-TWO MINUTES of uninterrupted adjusting. Then she is absolutely silent for the rest of the night.

Jane

2011-04-10T14:26:00.004-04:00

I want to behave like a Jane Austen character.

A Jane Austen main character, like Elizabeth or Elinor or Anne. Gracious and temperate and good-humoured. Not compelled to teach anybody a life lesson. And as long as I'm wishing, I would like this all overnight.

Love Deb.

I'm still here.

2011-04-05T22:49:00.011-04:00

I seem to have lost my will for blogging. However, I have super cute babies, so you should forgive me immediately.

Spring is here. Loving those sunny, 60s/70s days intermixed with snowstorms.

I'm not sure why I'm getting so many people I don't know commenting on my blogs. Is that a good thing? Is it weird? I don't know.

The point is, I have nothing to say.

Ho Hum

2011-02-19T19:20:00.004-05:00

These girls have places to go and people to see.

Caroline reached for a toy Claire was playing with the other day.

Claire had the situation well in hand, however. This is Caroline's face directly after Claire told her, "absolutely not, Caroline."

I have no idea where she heard that.

Good days, bad days

2011-02-01T15:39:00.006-05:00

I have good days and bad days.

This was a good one. House was reasonably clean, Claire and Caroline were happy. I remember at this very moment Claire was sitting there eating an apple. Caroline was smiling and playing. I felt like I had things together.

Another good day. Claire has started requesting the "sad face" on her little SuperWhy drawing tablet. Then she walks around, gently holding the tablet, patting it on the back so it feels better. On this day, she decided to take sad face on a walk. I thought, "this is it. She can never be any cuter than she is now."

Then there are days like today. Days where your baby wakes up at 5am and needs extra attention and your toddler decides this is the day that cartoons are not entertaining enough to keep her from following you around and asking you to lift her up on everything and then let her down from everything and dumping things on her baby sister's head and crying and whining because you said no.

It's the ultimate irony that the things you love more than anything else in the world, your babies and toddlers, are the very things that push you to the very brink. It's not your mortal enemy, or your rude neighbor, or the lady at your church who thinks she's better than everyone. No. It's your sweet, innocent, chubby babies.

Babies that are swallowed up by their big girl beds.

And it takes so much self control to speak kindly, to explain the same thing over and over without going nuts. It takes so much self control to be a parent.

Six Months

2011-01-21T15:58:00.006-05:00

I have talked about this before. Six months can seem like an eternity when you're in the middle of it - but once you're looking back, it's like it was the blink of an eye.

The reason this is important is because this baby, unnervingly adorable as she may be...

...was much harder than this baby.

This new baby likes to look at everything. And touch everything with her long, pretty fingers. She is cuddly and loves to smile and laugh.

And most importantly, doesn't need to be held 24 hours a day. Thank the sweet, sweet heavens.

I survived, I made it through, and now she is six months old and an absolute love. I am having the time of my life with her snuggles and giggles.

We are a little family and we pretty much love it.

Qualifier: I realize that my posts are generally upbeat and positive. That's because I'm trying for that tone. Let me say that upbeat and positive does not mean perfect. My life is not perfect and I'm not interested in portraying it that way.

The end.

Luxury

2011-01-20T16:30:00.002-05:00

Last week the girls both went to bed early and Tyler and I stood in the quiet kitchen, chatting and opening mail together. And I thought, "luxurious." It feels like luxury to me, hanging out with the man you're most attracted to in the world, talking like buddies.

Another luxury of late is the two hour afternoon nap that each of my girls are taking. Simultaneously. I hardly know what to do with myself.

Except for today. I knew exactly what to do, which was sitting down watching an entire episode of Top Chef. By myself. With no interruptions.

Ahhhhh. Luxurious.

And don't get me started on hot showers. Yum.

Two Little Girls

2011-01-19T15:58:00.006-05:00

This morning while Claire was giving Caroline her customary hugs and kisses, she cooed, "I love you, little girl."

I've mentioned before, going from one baby to two babies quadruples your stress. I don't like the noise, I don't like that I hardly ever get time to myself, I don't like the mess.

But if two quadruples the stress, two multiplies your joy by infinity. I didn't anticipate the delight of watching my two children interact with each other.

I will cross the adolescent bridge when I get there. For now, these girls love each other and I am going to enjoy every second of it.

Farewell 2010

2011-01-02T18:10:00.006-05:00

2010 was such a great year.

2010 notables:

Getting a job in April, realizing we were moving home to Utah, beautiful Utah.

Miraculously selling our house.

Having a sweet baby girl with the cutest smile ever.

Miraculously getting that sweet baby girl to take a freakin' pacifier.

Finding our video camera after several months of being without it. Yay!

Spending time with these two lovelies.

Where in the H?

2010-12-06T15:30:00.008-05:00

What have I been doing? I will tell you. Eating Double-Stuf Oreos. Because when I get a minute or two to myself, that's what I want to do.

Too much information? Too late, you already read it.

Another, more important question. Is it possible to call an inanimate object an angel of mercy?

Caroline would never take one. Until another angel of mercy, Tamara L. of Cedar City, popped one in Caroline's mouth while babysitting her. And just then, Caroline decided that she liked it.

Oh, the freedom. I can't even tell you.

(Honorable mention for the toy spaceship).

Here are some cute pictures.

Every day, I can't believe how blessed I have been to have these beautiful, healthy girls. With everything I have tried for and experienced in my life, nothing has challenged or changed me more. Nothing has filled me with so much love.

I think parenthood raises us much more than we raise our kids. The truth is, it is the last frontier for growing the hell up. And even though it's been really, really hard, I like who I am becoming. I just hope my many imperfections don't do too much of a number on my girls.

Cool Witch

2010-10-31T18:28:00.003-04:00

I wore a witch costume to Tyler's department party. The next morning we went on a walk and Claire insisted on wearing it.

Of course, you can see why. Pretty. Darn. Cool.

Can't believe

2010-10-29T16:06:00.001-04:00

I can't believe that I live here.

Took a drive up Cedar Canyon when Tyler's dear sister Cassidy and her husband came to visit us.

This is a view of Zion's from the canyon.

I can't believe how good it is to be back in Utah.

I also can't believe I get to be a mother to these delicious little girls.

Caroline is such a little twinkler.

Views

2010-10-06T15:26:00.006-04:00

The view from my front door.

The view from my couch.

The view from my kitchen.

Excellent views, I say.

Sunday, Sunday

2010-10-03T21:24:00.006-04:00

I love LDS General Conference Sunday at home.

Well, well!

2010-09-15T16:44:00.008-04:00

I have been surviving. And crying a lot.

The girls have been surviving. And crying a lot.

A friend told me that two children is four times the work of having one. I AGREE.

Here are some pictures to reassure you that we are all alive and still smiling here and there.

In conclusion, I need to take more pictures.

This girl

2010-08-19T16:17:00.006-04:00

This is where Miss Caroline is happy.

It is the only place where she is happy.

However, last night she slept her first six hour stretch. Blessed little sleeper. She's a lot more predictable than Claire was.

And while her sister may make other places slightly more tolerable, let us not forget...

Only place. Truly happy.

Give me strength.

Sissies

2010-08-11T20:49:00.008-04:00

Claire loves Caroline. It is a total joy to see. She coos "so ceeuuuuute" and laughs and insists on giving her endless kisses right on the mouth. When Caroline cries (which is any time she's awake and not being held) Claire says in her best adult voice, "come 'ere...."

Or, if Claire is in the other room and Caroline cries, Claire takes off, as fast as her chubby little legs will carry her, yelling "I coming, Cehline!"

However, she is a bit rough without knowing it. For some reason I think of Ghostbusters, that awful voice at the end growling, "choose the form of your destructor..." and Dan Akroyd thinks of the soft, smiley Stay Puft Marshmallow guy, thinking it could not possibly harm anyone.

Yet, the soft, smiley Stay Puft guy stomps through the streets of New York, destroying everything in its wake with a cute little smile on its face.

Every time Claire climbs up on the couch to begin loving her little sister, I think, "choose the form of your destructor."

Here are some pics of us enjoying the 24th of July parade on Cedar City's Main Street.

Caroline was transfixed.

So many things

2010-07-28T19:52:00.007-04:00

You may have guessed that we had a baby.

Her name is Caroline Sandra Stillman. She was born July 7th at 11:59am. Labor was about 5 hours and just FYI, the epidural was not nearly as effective as it was with Claire. I do not like pain.

8 lbs, 4 ounces. 20 and 3/4 inches long.

Claire loves her. We also packed up the house and moved away to Cedar City. Thanks to angelic parents on both sides, and angelic Elder's Quorum in Tallahassee, an angelic Elder's Quorum in Cedar City, and angelic brothers, sisters, spouses, nieces, and nephews, the whole thing went amazingly smoothly.

I am barely surviving, mainly because she insists on being held 24 hours a day. But at least she's cute.

Great July

2010-07-06T12:56:00.002-04:00

July has proved to be a big month for my little family.

July 6th: Tyler's birthday
July 7th: New baby's birthday
July 21st: Tyler and Deb's anniversary

Then of course there's the 4th and the 24th and even a couple of family members' b-days in there, too. Whew!

But here's the important thing, which is TODAY is the birthday of my hubby. I know how much everyone wants to know him better so I will oblige.

1. Awesome dimple on his left cheek. Yes, the cheek on his face.

2. Wrapped so tightly around his daughter's little finger that I don't know how he draws breath.

3. Just got his first tangerine on a tangerine tree that he has loved and labored over for 4.5 years.

4. Makes great french toast.

5. Is a very grateful person.

There you have it. Send him some good birthday vibes. He could use them specifically this July, as he preps for a new job, a move across the country and baby girl #2.

The approaching storm

2010-07-01T10:07:00.005-04:00

This one has been the light of our eyes and the center of our universe for one year and 10 months.
And she is in for it in about a week, at which point she will be pushed from her throne with no idea what's going on.

It makes me think a lot about blessings. You know, that annoying habit they sometimes have of looking like terrible things at first? Claire will have no idea she's just gained a lifelong friend. She won't know for a long time the value of a sister. But I know. And I know she's just got to learn for herself how lucky she really is.

I think about all the time I had to wait for Tyler without knowing I was waiting for Tyler.

Or the stress and anxiety we experienced over the last year and a half about jobs (or lack thereof), to end up close to family, at a great school in a great town, with a great opportunity. At least for a year. And we'll take it!

Life is a complicated, intricate mystery that I totally believe is guided with great purpose.

And this guy is working so hard right now. Reading everything under the sun, poring over his lectures and syllibi, analyzing data, revising papers, pursuing grant money, and on and on. I'm looking forward to seeing what he will accomplish.

Waiting

2010-06-24T07:19:00.002-04:00

The house sold. Money's in the bank. Hooray!

Now,

We're just kind of waiting...

...waiting for the baby to come...

...waiting for my parents to get here...

...waiting until it's time to pack up the rest of the house...

...waiting to drive away to Cedar City.

Cleansing the palate

2010-06-17T20:21:00.012-04:00

Moving on from the last post, thankfully.

These pictures make me happy. Our Disneyworld trip.

This is just swimming in the hotel pool! She thought she'd died and gone to heaven.

Riding the Astro Orbiter. A bit wilder than expected, although Claire was rather "whatev" about it. Until it was time to get off. Then the world was shown her displeasure.

The biggest hit of the day, the teacups. Went on it twice. And we were heroes.

She was entranced with It's a Small World. Insisted, insisted on sitting on the bench like an adult, on my left side. Didn't matter that the right side had a lot to see. The left, the left. It had to be the left.

And this is what happens when mom and dad have the unmitigated gall to remove her from her chosen vantage point. Never you fear. We were properly disciplined.

Indulge me in a brief moment of intense negativity

2010-06-17T11:53:00.007-04:00

I am irritated. All the time. And you never know what it will be over.

It could have something to do with this.

Yes, I am posting a picture where I don't look half bad. I will disclose that so it won't be like "Eee, I'm so ugly!" but really I'm trying to say "My ugly is actually not bad so that means I'm really very pretty!" Because those kinds of games really bug me.

One of many things that bug me right now.

Other things that I want to put out in the world:

1. Oprah is not a prophet.

2. The earth is not God.

3. Denial does not equal optimism.

4. Grieving or raging or verbalizing negative things does not automatically equal pessimism.

5. Passive-aggression is cowardly and lazy.

6. Mormons make up less than 2% of the California population, so we are not the reason that the majority of voting Californians put Prop 8 through.

7. Being conservative does not mean that you don't care about people. Please, 5th grade mentality.

8. I love cheese.

Just trying to end this on a positive note.

Edited to erase the reeeeally negative stuff. And also to say, wow. Irritable.

Tallahassee No More Post Script

2010-06-11T10:17:00.002-04:00

Tyler has informed me that my previous post may have come off a teeny, tiny bit negative about Tallahassee.

So I will provide a little bit more context.

Despite the fact that people here are allergic to using their blinkers and as a general rule love to drive 5 miles under the speed limit in large clusters...(oops!)

...I have truly loved the people here. I have had great work experiences, day care experiences, and particularly church experiences because of the great people.

And beaches. Will miss you.

XOXO,

Love Debra

Tallahassee No More

2010-06-08T10:17:00.004-04:00

I can't believe we're leaving Tallahassee in little over a month.

It is the land of mosquitoes, roaches, fire ants, carpenter bees, squirrels (marginally better looking rats), possums (huge rats), gnats, and greenery that, if unchecked, would grow fast enough to choke you to death like in some horror movie.

I cried my way through the bar exam here. Cried my way through being an attorney here. Took walks in crippling, life-sucking humidity.

I got to be a new wife here. And I got to be a new mother here.

It has been a place of great happiness for me and my little family. And I swear that once we leave, I will shake the dust of this town off my feet and never look back, not once. Ever.

Lung space

2010-06-01T10:24:00.003-04:00

Baby girl thinks mom's lungs are just not that important.

But I miss my lung space.

Dare I Say It?

2010-05-28T09:05:00.008-04:00

I think we sold our house.

This, on a street where our neighbors had their house on the market for over a year with nary an offer.

We weren't even going to attempt to sell it. We were going to hire property managers and rent it. But after a fight with my sister, heart to hearts with my father-in-law and my mom/dad, we decided to give it a college try on the off-chance that yet another incredible blessing would fall out of the sky.

The very first day we put the house on the market we got a call from our agent, who asked us if we were sitting down.

And since April 25th, offer in hand, we have been waiting, waiting: for the homebuyer tax credit to expire (so then buyer would be in our clutches), the home inspection to clear, the appraisal to clear, waiting for the boat to rock, waiting for bad news. Now we are miraculously three weeks from closing with no hiccups in sight. Thus far.

House, you have been so good to us.

But it must be said. We are just so glad to be rid of you.

FYI

2010-05-21T09:38:00.007-04:00

Her latest thing in her never-ending quest for adulthood is the friendly conversation. Yesterday she said,

"Hi, Mommy, how ah yew?"

To which I responded,

"Good, Claire! How are you?"

To which she responded,

"Good." Then went about her merry business.

Another random fact: loves to have articles of clothing on her head. I imagine she feels more secure that way, and more importantly, quite pretty.

The other thing she likes to do is give us things. Pretty much everything she doesn't want anymore simply must not be put down like the peasants do. No no, one of her loyal subjects (mommy or daddy) must properly dispose of it.

And after she exercises her royal right to hand us things, she offers a quick, cursory "sanks."

If she's grown up enough to have a single ponytail, she is grown up to have excellent manners. Which she does.

She is not, however, too grown to sleep without one of her three precious fuzzies.

Now I Know My

2010-05-19T07:06:00.003-04:00

I have been trying for a while to get this on camera. Finally.

Life's a Beach

2010-05-18T14:34:00.009-04:00

Since I last posted we have (A) taken the girl to the beach, (B) taken the girl to Disneyworld, and (C) I have read all kinds of really simplistic, off-the-mark, insulting things about Mormonism. For now I'm just going to post about (A).

About (C), I will say only "ouch." (About (B), pics forthcoming).

I used Paint to edit this little photo because this is a family blog.

Belly shot. Also, a good shot of the girl's beautiful little face and dark button eyes.

Man, oh man, does she love "the beeech!"

She also loves blowing bubbles with daddy.

Her hair is getting so long.

And every day lately it's something new. Thank you (sake oo), thanks, (sakes), see ya, hold you, honey, on and on and on, words we never even thought about teaching her and had no idea she was even listening to. It's absolutely delish to share these moments with each other.

Forgotten Yum

2010-05-04T10:15:00.002-04:00

How did I ever forget the crunchy, creamy delight of celery and peanut butter?

Let's leave the past behind. I have found you again, delicious friend.

her mother birthed her

2010-04-29T16:37:00.001-04:00

Today is my wife's birthday. I am glad her mother birthed her. Let us take a moment and reflect on Debra:

* She has a gift for putting words together. She speaks in complete sentences and has a knack for putting complex thoughts and feelings into words. She also finds a way to spell things they way people SAY them.

* She is an intense TV watcher. There is no question where she stands with regards to the contestants of Survivor, Top Chef, American Idol, or Tool Academy.

* My wife really loves to sleep, and she really needs a lot of sleep. Every day she could go home after work and take a nap because her daughter is in daycare. She never does. She always picks up Claire instead of taking a much-needed nap because she loves being Claire's mother.

* Just kidding about Tool Academy.

* She always finds something wrong with attractive and/or rich men, just to make me feel good. For instance, she pretends to think Josh Duhamel is unattractive. I'm not buying it honey, but thank you anyway.

* She loves comfort. She will NOT stand to live in uncomfortable surroundings, which is good because now I live in comfort. Thanks Babe!

Haircut

2010-04-27T08:19:00.005-04:00

I am cheap and lazy when it comes to my hair. If a haircut costs me more than, say, $10, I'm not interested. And I don't color, layer, etc., simply because heaven forbid, it might take me some time to do.

And, the only thing I tell hairdressers when I go in to get a trim is, "I have to be able to pull the whole thing back in a ponytail."

Plus, a husband that is like, "neeeeever cut your haaaaaair....." (that's a ghost voice if you're wondering).

So I broke my mold and went crazy! By going slightly shorter than I normally do! See? Crrrazy!

Clearly struggling with a complex legal issue at work.

It's fun, but all I can think is, when can I get my ponytail back without the help of bobby pins and/or a headband?

Southern Utah University

2010-04-19T10:26:00.006-04:00

This is big news.

Last Thursday Tyler was offered a one-year visiting-professor position with this blessed institution.

I would have posted about it sooner, but we have been busy floating on clouds. I want to tell the people who hired him that they just made an incredible investment. But I will allow my wonderful husband to prove that over the next year.

I am so happy for him. Whether the position turns permanent or not (fingers crossed), it is an excellent opportunity that will serve as a springboard to even better things.

I, for one, would be fine planting roots in Cedar City, my new favorite town. I've been reading about it and it sounds amazing. Perhaps I will do a little post on that later. To entice all of my friends to come visit.

Anyway, happy happy!

And by the by, someone please buy our house.

Serious

2010-04-15T13:54:00.006-04:00

There are a couple of things we are very serious about around here.

One is our adultness.

The other is our fashion.

Someone Replaced My Baby With a Torpedo

2010-04-11T07:48:00.008-04:00

This is me at 27 weeks with Claire. Awwww. Oh, Debra, you look so greeaaat. You're barely even shoooowing.

This is me at 27 weeks, in the same shirt, with Claire's little sis. AAAAAAAA!

Can't Smile Without You

2010-04-09T10:45:00.006-04:00

Barry Manilow took me on a trip through time again this morning.

His song, "Can't Smile Without You" used to play on my grandparents jukebox outside by their pool in northern California, where we would swim on sunny days. And it was our song, ours and our grandparents, my gracious, eye-rolling, never-got-mad-even-when-I-accidentally-burned-a spot-on-her-kitchen-cabinet grandma Alice and my barrel-chested, silly-song-singing, strongest-personality-ever Popie (grandpa Mardee).

With Grandma Alice while pregnant with Claire

And I just thought, my childhood. It was ridiculously carefree and innocent and safe. Thanks to my loving and supportive parents, obviously (I guess that's another post), but also because we had love on all sides - from grandparents, too.

And once again, my mind goes there. How did I deserve this? This network of love and protection? I believe every living soul is loved beyond their capacity to understand, no matter who or where they are. But my entire life, it was so easy to see and identify. I was kissed and cuddled and hugged and laughed-at and educated and prayed over. Maybe, instead of obsessing over why, why me, I should just focus on being grateful for it.

(Once again. Barry comes through).

It's a Miracle

2010-04-06T10:15:00.003-04:00

So I popped a little Barry Manilow Greatest Hits on my CD player at work. (Anyone that thinks they're all rebellious and non-conformist for liking Nine Inch Nails, try admitting to the world that you love Barry Manilow. THAT is true bravery).

There's this awesome disco-y up-tempo song titled "Miracle" that just played. It made me remember when I was a reluctant inhabitant of the dating scene. Sisters getting married, having babies, me wondering why finding true love seemed like rocket science to me.

And to make me feel better, Nicalee and Kristine (sissies) always used to (1) reassure me that I was being silly and when it was right it would happen and (2) promise that at my wedding reception they were going to jump on the tables, wave their arms side to side and sing Barry Manilow's "Miracle" at the top of their lungs.

Sisters are awesome.

And Barry Manilow is awesome. I am an authority, since I sat on the 5th row of his Las Vegas show and he totally would have brought one of us up on stage to sing with him if freaking Suzanne Somers hadn't been visiting and stolen the "bring someone up from the audience" segment.

Flits

2010-03-31T12:27:00.006-04:00

A while back I got curious about all the "I should..." things that flit through my mind at any given point in the day, every day. I told myself, I'm not going to beat myself up, I'm not going to start and then not finish, I'm just going to start writing them down.

So for a while, faithfully, if there was a flit, it went into my notebook (which, long ago, also started as an "I should carry around a small notebook to organize my thoughts" flit...success!).

Here's the list I came across as I was purging my notebook:

- Write a book (I have two book ideas which I will closely guard so as to avoid copyright infringment. JK. It's really my deep insecurities which keep me from sharing w/the world)
- Put together an awesome career book for my kids so they can start thinking early about what they want to do with their lives
- Learn more about social psychology so as to impress my husband with my vast knowledge about his chosen profession
- Volunteer with the Florida Guardian ad Litem program (basically be a child's legal advocate)
- Learn to sew (hee. Can barely say that with a straight face).
- Become a certified mediator.
- Learn more about probate, contract and business law.
- Take the Utah bar.
- Write curriculum for a class on the practical aspects of law practice.
- Record some songs I've written and send them to a couple of my prestigious contacts (by a couple I mean one, and by contact I mean can barely be called a contact).
- Learn French so my husband and I can engage in beautiful-sounding gossip.
- Learn Spanish because holy useful language to know, I think.
- Lose 20 pounds. Ah, the evergreen goal. This one never goes out of style.
- Write more short stories. Get them published.
- Daily scriptures.
- Daily journal.

Looking at this list, I know one thing: I can't possibly lovingly raise my child, have a clean kitchen and organized closets, have a new baby, nurture a marriage, perform my church calling, sleep 9 hours (do not judge me), and get some extremely-important-to-me down-time (on a daily basis, people. I need it) and do all this stuff over the next 5 years.

So my new goal is: become super down to earth, good-humored, authentic sort of person who totally gets that she only has two arms, two legs, and 24 hours in a day and something has got to give. For now, it will be...almost my entire list.

Mothering

2010-03-26T17:41:00.009-04:00

Off we go.

To Claire's part-time home. She knows right where to go. Where she plays and snacks and naps until 2:30, when mom picks her up.

Walking away from this window view is my least favorite part of Tuesdays and Fridays. But looking in before I pick her up every day is the best.

I do not like taking my girl to daycare. But until I'm home full time, I'm very glad I take her to this one. I am grateful for this place full of good-hearted ladies who really like my girl.

I like being a lawyer. And of course it's nice to get away time, to sit in an office and talk to adults.

But I love being this girl's mother.

(Pay no attention to the double chin).

Remember St. Pattys Angrily on your Neighborhood Walk

2010-03-17T09:23:00.005-04:00

Is it really St. Patty's? Thank heaven I have green in my eyes because I have no memory anymore. And I'm not wearing green. But anyone who pinches me can expect a really dirty look.

My Brain is Missing
Seriously, I have no memory. I can't find my keys. This is after I was holding them and I put them down somewhere and then like magic, pfft, they disappeared into thin air, and they are somewhere in the house and I don't know where. Tyler said I'm carrying the baby in my brain. And a really smart response would have been something like, "oh yeah? Well lucky you, you get to carry your baby in your wife!" But instead I thought of it a week later because I am carrying the baby in my brain.

The Beatles Gave Me an A
I am also carrying deep, righteous anger along with this baby. Mostly I feel it when I'm behind the wheel of my car. I've started grading myself lately for my temper on the road and mostly I get Fs, and a few C-s. But this morning I got into one lane thinking it would go faster and then the car in the lane next to me made it one mile before I took my foot off the break. Just the kind of thing that would have reduced me to a hot lava of frustration and contempt for all other drivers on the road. However, that very moment I was listening to Paul McCartney sing "Let it Be," and I got an A. Thanks, Paul. (And John).

Neighborhood Nemesis
Finally, you may not remember me talking about this guy. Well, Saturday Miss Claire and I took a morning walk. Lately she has taken to saying "hi" to everyone, several times, even after they have said it back. She wants to have a conversation so badly. Anyway, I hated the idea of him rejecting my daughter, but I was like, "this is our neighborhood too so I'm taking her on a walk." Long and short, he strode toward us like he always does, staring straight ahead without so much as a smile or nod. Only this time, when she tooted her little "hi!" I heard a clipped, businesslike "hi" back. Then she stopped and watched him pass us and shouted another clear, bell-like little "hi!" And again, I heard "hi." Then she stood in the middle of the road and yelled another "hi!" at his back. And a third time I heard a terse, distinct "hi." I laughed in my shock, scooped her up and walked quickly the other way in my effort to leave this interaction on a high note.

Sweet little girl! I still don't like you, angry guy, but thanks for being nice to my daughter.

Nice fella

2010-03-15T10:04:00.007-04:00

Yesterday, during a lesson about marriage, our Sunday school teacher asked Tyler why he married me. (No, not like "why did you marry her?") I wasn't there, but Tyler informed me his answer went something like "she was the most wonderful woman I had ever met."

(This was, of course, after he convinced me that he said "boobs" and everyone had a good laugh).
It made me feel really happy and romantic and I think it was really sweet of him (what is it about a public demonstration of love that gives me such a shot in the arm?).

I thought a lot about it all day, though. Because the more Tyler and I live and work and raise babies together I think about how little information each of us had going into this marriage.

I don't think choosing a marriage partner is a total crapshoot. But there is a heeeuge element of risk to it simply because it takes two. It takes another person, with all their annoying personal agency, to help you make a marriage good and loving and honest and authentic (and this doesn't even take into account all the ways that you can fail).

But here is what I knew about Tyler before I ever lived or slept or parented with him:

1. I knew he was kind to others.
2. I knew he had a strong testimony of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ.
3. I knew he was a thoughtful listener who wasn't afraid to take responsibility.
4. I knew that it made him happy to please me.
5. I knew that I really, really loved him.

Thankfully, these have all proved lasting. And I love our marriage. This doesn't mean (a) that Tyler's perfect, (b) that I'm perfect, (c) that we we have the perfect marriage, or (d) that we have never hurt each other. It just means that he's a good man who tries hard, and that is such a vital place to start.

Contradinkadink

2010-02-28T15:57:00.005-05:00

Why are the two best moments of my day (1) when I kiss Claire good morning and (2) when I put Claire to bed?

How can I simultaneously (1) long to be free and mobile like I used to be and (2) not want to be away from her for one second longer than I have to?

Why is she so cute? (Not really keeping with my theme, and yet, a legitimate question).

By the way. She is counting to six. Whaaaat?

Firsts

2010-02-24T08:40:00.004-05:00

First sound that she actually connected to a meaning: uh-oh (usually after throwing something to the ground).

First word that she imitated: coat (only it sounded more like "cowte")

Words she's been saying in the last 3 weeks/month:
coat
shoe (seeoo)
sock (sah)
cheese (chee)
juice (jeeoo)
down (dow)
hi (hieeee!)
bye-bye (bah-bye)
night-night (nuh-niheee)
mommy (maheee!)
daddy (daaeee!)
...so many more, too. She'll just hear something, parrot it and Tyler and I will act like she just successfully developed cold fusion.

Her first sentence was yesterday as daddy left for work: Bah-bye daaaeeee!

Oh, and don't get me started on letters. She knows B, C, E, I, K, P, T - and yesterday she's sitting there reading letters from the cereal boxes peeking out of the top of the trash ("P! P! T! T!") and she's saying "Q." Q! Where did she learn that?

This may be the most boring post in the universe to everyone but me and Tyler. But, to me and Tyler it is absolutely the most important, pivotal, earth-shattering stuff you can talk about.

Journey

2010-02-19T11:19:00.003-05:00

Come with me on a journey over the Stillman family's last month or so.

1. Tyler gets cold.
2. Debra catches cold.
3. They both get better, and breath a sigh of relief that Claire didn't catch it.
4. Claire catches it.
5. Debra catches another cold.
6. Claire begins waking up daily at 5:30am for no reason at all.
7. Claire catches a strange flu-bug that's been going around like wildfire. Barfs in her little sleep.
8. Debra recovers from second cold and breaths a sigh of relief.
9. Debra catches Claire's flu-bug and barfs all over the bathroom.
(9a). Tyler helps Debra clean up the barf from all over the bathroom and only gags once. True love? Sheer awesomeness? Some combination of both, I submit.
10. Despite Tyler's getting up with Claire at 5:30am all the time, Debra still can't sleep and begins acting like crazy sleep-deprived Debra.
11. Debra catches cold #3.

This morning, like a little miracle, Claire sleeps until 7:03am. Debra feels good. Claire feels good. Tyler is feeling...extremely nauseated. Has 4 classes to teach today. Debra tells him to keep a wastebasket handy and to call her if he needs help cleaning up.

I will never use "I've still got my health" to imply that I don't have much.

Bad News, Good News, Fun News

2010-02-10T08:28:00.002-05:00

The bad news is, my doctor misled me terribly. The "free" 4D ultrasound is only free if they see something worrisome from the plain old lame-o 2D ultrasound. Under those conditions, I would much rather the 4D ultrasound not be free.

The good news is, the 4D ultrasound was not free. Baby looks perfectly healthy. (We're cheap. We didn't get the 4D).

Fun news is that Claire is going to get a little sister.

I foresee arguments over toys, clothes, and ganging up on mom (Tyler has been informed he is always to be on mom's side). I also foresee that these two will always have a dear friend and it makes me really happy.

I've been trying to start preparing Princess #1 by saying repeatedly, "mommy has a baby in her tummy." So far, she doesn't give one teeny little hoot. Pray for us.

Papparazzi shot

2010-02-07T15:04:00.002-05:00

Daddy got home from his conference last week and all is finally right with the world.

Perfect

2010-02-04T08:28:00.004-05:00

Tyler got home from a conference this week, one of two within the last month and a half. It was five days that felt like 20. We are so glad to have him back. I have some cute pictures to post when I'm at my home computer and don't have a one year old insisting on pushing keyboard buttons.

I was driving into work this morning and I felt this flash of self satisfaction - it was so quick I don't even remember what it was for or what started it. And somehow I caught myself in that and felt kind of disgusted. I just thought, "you are a mess. And there's this one isolated thing that you might do well, and that's only if the situation is right, and you think that means you've got it all figured out."

I keep thinking that the more life I live, the greater mastery I will have over my own flaws. But instead, the more I live, the more flaws I find.

I think it would be so peaceful to be perfect. I don't mean perfect in the way that movies portray perfect (pinched and caucasian and self-superior). I mean truly perfect - good and loving and wise and in control of yourself and accepting and brave and respectful of the experiences of those around you. It sounds really nice to have that all together. And I just don't.

This is not a pity-party or a down-on-myself post. It's just an acknowledgement of how far I have to go. Hopefully it makes up for my ugly little moment this morning.

Post Rainy Day Walk

2010-01-23T09:05:00.003-05:00

No puddle is too big.

No expression too mischevious.
No baby cuter.

Husband of Mine

2010-01-14T12:44:00.006-05:00

Tyler's been out on the job market for a little while and it feels like the economy is drop kicking us. This guy works so hard and has been so productive. But very little response from schools.

And he's starting to feel rejected. Is it him? Is he too intimidating? Underqualified? Overqualified? Maybe his curriculum vitae paper smells funny?

As for me, I'm starting to feel really defensive. Like, these people have no idea that the person they are refusing to even interview (despite his stellar CV, stratospheric teaching evaluations, and generous, intelligent and hard-working character) would be an incredible find.

These schools think they're hiring first round draft picks but many are going to end up with Ryan Leafs of academia. Meanwhile, someone will draft Tyler in the sixth round and he will go Tom Brady on their ass.

I mean, seriously.

Validate Me

2010-01-12T17:38:00.005-05:00

It's been kind of a rough day. Sometimes I think having a single one-year-old is all about units of time. As in:

How much time can I kill with this activity? How long will it entertain her?

or

How much time will this buy me? Can I get this pile of laundry folded (or can I watch this episode of How I Met Your Mother)?

or some combination of the two.

Everything is time. SuperWhy: 25 minutes. Dinner: 20 minutes. Taking her on a walk: 30 - 45 minutes (because that's all I can take, people. It's boring and I can only fight with her so long about that busy street in the middle of which she INSISTS on standing). Drawing: used to be 15, now I'm lucky if it's 5 minutes. Books: could go on all day, but it's BORING after a while.

Am I cut out to be a mother? It seems like no one misses their sweet single limitless down time as much as I do. I should be saying "oh, I just can't seem to get things done like I used to" but the truth is I was never all that productive anyway.

Please do not get me wrong. Even as I write this I love, love love Claire. But I'm going to be staying home full time soon (only, + newborn) and I need ideas on how to entertain and occupy. Or maybe with two I won't have the time to think about killing it.

And if the answer is, you just have to feel bored and trapped from time to time, SUCK IT UP, fine. Lay it on me. I can take it.

AMA

2010-01-05T13:20:00.004-05:00

Because I am now of advanced maternal age, my insurance covers my visit to a specialist to make sure my baby is not a mutant because its mother is 35 years old (36 when he/she is born).

The good news about being of advanced maternal age is that I get a free 4D ultrasound in February. How cool is that?

Yet another advantage to being 35 and older.

Preggers

2009-12-31T17:59:00.002-05:00

1. I am pregnant.

2. Due date is July 10th.

3. Of course we will find out the gender. Probably around the end of Feb.

4. I am sick. Sick, sick, sick. Nausea is the worst thing ever and I can't believe I forgot how awful it was the last time. It dulls every pleasant sensation/emotion (a cuddle, kissing my baby's head) and amplifies every unpleasant sensation/emotion (being tired, feeling overwhelmed). In my opinion there is not enough talking about morning sickness and how awful it is. So there's my effort to set the problem right.

5. We have some names picked out in each gender but we're not telling just because we feel like being difficult. Suckers!

Cobain's Mother

2009-12-15T08:37:00.004-05:00

I love Wikipedia, mainly because of my random interest in the lives of old movie stars and historical figures. This morning, though, I got interested in Kurt Cobain's mother. Because the guy was a mess.

From what I can tell, she worked pretty hard to do what was best for him. When she found out he wasn't going to graduate high school, she told him he either had to get a job or move out.

My guess is that was not an easy thing to do. Even with my 15 month old, tough love totally stinks. Let her stand up in the bath. Sit in a muddy puddle. Drink nothing but a chocolate shake. It's harder than I thought it would be to say no to a little stinker!

What is my point here? Cobain killed himself. He wrote a long suicide note about music and said goodbye to his wife and daughter. And never said a word to his mother. His mother.

And I thought, motherhood really can be very thankless at times. Because you're never perfect when you have them. You can't be - people are always having to grow up. Doesn't matter if you're 40, 60, or 80. There are so many weaknesses to wrestle. But kids don't know that. They look at us and think we're supposed to have this figured out. And even when they know logically that's not true, they still smart over the ways we hurt them.

That makes me feel nervous and scared about the future. But still, even though my happiness and my heart are tied up in her to a terrifying degree, I say that's OK. I will take this ride and let her be mad at me. Because it's a part of the invaluable, irreplaceable human experience. I'm up to it!

Shipping, my nemesis.

2009-12-03T10:40:00.003-05:00

Build a Bear had these $14 bears on sale for $5, online-sale only. I got sucked in, even though I was gritting my teeth and preparing myself to get taken on shipping.

Sure enough, the shipping charges on one bear were $5.95. On two bears it was $7.95. A small, lightweight bear that weights slightly more than a large envelope. Sons of b*%$#s!

I have hard, hard feelings about inflated shipping charges. But I still bought those damn bears because they're pink and soft and the stinker will giggle and bury that chubby little face in their tummies.

Motherhood has made me compromise my principles. The sky is falling!

I Love

2009-11-24T09:48:00.003-05:00

I loooooove:

1. Pilot G-2 retractable blue gel extra fine pens;

2. Conference calling;

3. Argentine tango and salsa dancing;

4. The Haight-Ashbury sandwich at Andrews;

5. That my baby doesn't have diaper rash;

6. Crackers and cold coke;

7. Bed;

8. People who don't have the time or energy to judge others too harshly (oh how I want to be one of them);

9. Typing;

10. Forgiveness.

This post began when my assistant brought in a whole blessed box of #1 on my list. But it felt good to keep going.

New Moon Sex Talk

2009-11-19T11:00:00.007-05:00

The Twilight books reminded me of the Harry Potter books - I rolled my eyes constantly at this cliche or that redundancy, but I still had a tough time putting them down.

For me, though, the Twilight books translated much better on screen. If I read about Edward snarling or breathing heavy or looking intensely at something one more time I thought I might scream.

But on to the reason for my post. What is this crazy contempt by all media about the fact that Edward and Bella aren't having sex? I have not read one thing, anywhere, that makes reference to it in an even remotely non-negative way.

In fact, the media I've seen seems to think that even alluding to absitinence is harmful to kids, makes them feel like bad people for having sexual feelings, will probably make all kids everywhere who even have a sexual thought want to cut themselves and jump off a tall building somewhere.

To which I respond, whaaaaat? I don't understand how the idea "wait until married" translates into "sex is bad and you're bad for wanting it!" Because that's certainly not how I was raised. And I will stand up for my religion while I'm at it. That's certainly not what I was taught at church. I was taught that sex is this great, bonding, fun, wonderful thing for a man and woman who have chosen to commit their lives to each other.

What I think is, there's this big group of people that believe you shouldn't have sex with anyone until you're married, and a lot of people who don't live that way simply can't think that's OK and fine and maybe there are even some advantages to it. No, no. It absolutely must mean you're close minded and naive and small and oppressed by your big bad religion and very, very judgmental of all people who like sex.

For the record: I think sex is great. I was taught from a young age that sex is great. And I made it all the way to marriage before having it, and just like I thought, I love it. And I'm still a living, breathing, functioning, pretty nice, pretty well adjusted human being.

So, go New Moon! I thumb my nose at your condescending, easily-threatened-by-a-philosophy-that-differs-from-their-own critics! (But if the movie is poorly made, well. I don't thumb my nose at those critics).

Veteran's Day Miracle

2009-11-11T15:38:00.007-05:00

I didn't have to work today (Happy Veterans Day), so I took Claire on a long walk after we had breakfast. Usually we walk in the afternoons after I get off work, so we miss the nasty man who walks between 9 and 10 every morning.

This man always wears sunglasses and a hat, always walks up and down our neighborhood street picking up garbage and exuding an angry, steely energy. Last year my single attempt at engaging him in conversation left me feeling rather humiliated.

"Good morning," I chirped at him across the street one morning. Nothing. Didn't look at me, didn't even turn his head. This guy was about 10 feet away from me.

"Good morning," I said again. My words said "good morning," but my tone said "are you kidding me?"

Still nothing. I never realized how demoralizing it is to be completely ignored. After staring at him for a minute, I walked away embarrassed, and called him a name under my breath. It hurt my feelings.

This morning we walked by him several times. Like I always do when I see him, I silently fumed and rehearsed under my breath all the one liners I could say to really show this guy how wrong his misanthropic view of the world really was.

And then this thought popped into my head, almost like a voice - "he doesn't care what you think."

I knew it was true. And then another thought - "you can't make him care."

I felt so free. The resentment I had been feeling for him seemed to lift right out of me. It was great.

I hope it lasts!

Because, really, I have much cuter things to focus on.

Halloween

2009-11-03T14:54:00.005-05:00

There's nothing more fun than taking your little one to a pumpkin patch...

...except maybe dressing up your little one as a pink butterfly for Halloween.

Good morning

2009-10-27T09:56:00.004-04:00

1. We have a towel rack right by our shower. When Tyler showers before me he always uses the towel that's furthest away so I have a dry one right next to me.

2. Claire was dancing along with the jitterbug while I watched Dancing With the Stars this morning. Sometimes she makes me so happy I don't think there's enough room for my heart.

3. Last night I cried and whined like a 8 year old girl (really, as I was doing it I thought "I sound just like a 8 year old girl") and Tyler did not treat me like I was being crazy or silly. He listened and let me blubber and said some very comforting and reasonable things.

So, good morning to you! I'm so thankful for little mercies.

Fally Fall

2009-10-21T12:20:00.004-04:00

It's fall. Football, Halloween, crisp weather, all new TV shows. Technically it's been fall for a little while, but I've had to delay my rejoicing since it certainly hasn't been feeling like it in Tallahassee.

Finally got to pull out Claire's pink fleece. This girl wants to go everywhere and touch everything. And we are just lucky to follow her and keep her out of major trouble.

deb 1, tyler 0

2009-10-17T11:32:00.002-04:00

Last night we were talking about when we were dating. I (Tyler) told Deb that I had "played her like a fiddle" when we were dating.

She replied "I seem to remember it was YOU down on one knee".

Well played.

Fountain of Wisdom

2009-10-15T09:11:00.004-04:00

Last night Tyler and I were talking about something heavy and important. After we had hashed and re-hashed, I had just one last thing to say. Something about men and courage and love and work. It was very insightful, although in the middle of it Tyler's eyes glazed over and and he appeared to drift away.

This was confirmed to me when I asked Tyler, "did you stop listening to me?" to which he responded, "it was really long and I got bored. I'm sorry."

This morning, it would be helpful for me to post a couple of things I like about this man.

(1) Mm, mm, mm. So good looking.

(2) Smart and informed and opinionated. Expresses opinion, but doesn't impose it.

(3) Affectionate. Loves hugging and kissing (sorry to out you, honey).

(4) Helped me make a family.

Sweetie, get yourself ready because I'm finishing my thought tonight.

L'elephant (as we call it around here)

2009-10-14T13:03:00.003-04:00

The funny thing is, I could not get this little one to take a pacifier. She thinks the little plastic pacifiers are not as comforting as the big, pink, fuzzy, elephant-shaped ones.

Pursuit of Laughter

2009-09-28T20:42:00.003-04:00

Here's some walking AND some laughing. The word brilliant comes to mind.

For lack of something more interesting

2009-09-28T08:30:00.003-04:00

I've been thinking, "I should post. I should post." Then I sit down to post and my brain is empty. Just completely devoid of anything useful or interesting.

Maybe I should show you how Claire started walking all by herself. But then I would have to download that video we took and I couldn't make it work last time.

Then I think I will just tell you about how Claire started walking all by herself. Then I feel guilty because really, how lazy can you be to not post a video?

Then I think, I hate Tallahassee. Then I think, I should be more positive. So here is a list of 5 things I like about Tallahassee (followed by 5 I hate).

Like
1. The canopy road (Old Bainbridge) that I get to drive on every morning.
2. The winters.
3. The Wal-Mart by my house that I can walk to.
4. The McKenzie by my house that always has the cheapest gas.
5. Gordo's cuban food.

Dislike
1. From May to October, feeling like I'm wrapped in a warm, wet blanket every time I leave the house.
2. The heat.
3. The rabid mosquitoes. Also, gnats, fire ants, squirrels, and creepy unidentifiable bugs that horrify me.
4. The humidity.
5. No sidewalks.

Sad Men

2009-09-08T12:18:00.003-04:00

Does anybody watch "Mad Men?"

I seem to pick shows that no one in my life has any interest in. But I am just so sad about this last Mad Men episode that I am determined to find someone I know who watches it.

1. Little Sally just breaks my heart. I felt like her grandpa was a life preserver that was yanked away before she could get a hold. Back to her frigid mother and absent father. I cried when she put her sad little forehead against the door after her mother closed it.

2. Is it just me, or does this show not believe in parent/child affection? I mean, having children is awesome. I don't care whether I did or didn't go to law school, did or didn't travel, did or didn't experience success that is acceptable by the world's standards. Even when Claire is driving me crazy and I'm feeling trapped or claustrophobic I still can't imagine my life without her. Mad Men seems very concerned with authenticity, but they're falling way short in this respect.

The happiest year

2009-08-27T14:58:00.006-04:00

Our girl is one year old today.

It's not that time goes too fast, it's that all the time in the world would never be enough. I don't wish for it to slow down as much as I wish I could jump around in time, steal a kiss or cuddle, relive all of the cute little things she did that have already come and gone.

Oh how we love you, you bright, beautiful, sweet, gentle, sensitive, inquisitive girl!

Top of the Top Chef

2009-08-23T20:08:00.005-04:00

My most favoritest show ever is Top Chef. The food always looks so beautiful and fancy and they use tons of words I don't know, like "ceviche" and "coulis." The first episode of the season was this week and I was feeling inspired. So I made Black Bean Cakes with Chunky Guacamole and Lime Crema.

A LOT OF DANG WORK went into creating the picture before you. And the kitchen was a total mess.

However. (1) Holy Moses, it was like a symphony of taste in every bite. Thanks for the recipe, Emeril. (2) My one year old happily ate onion, black beans, fresh cilantro, pepper, fresh lime juice, avocado and garlic. And (3) I felt like wife, mother, and chef extraordinaire of the year for one night.

Definitely worth it.

P.S. Did I just say "my one year old?"

Graduation, Pony Tails and No Words to Describe It

2009-08-12T20:16:00.009-04:00

Tyler graduated on Saturday! Such a terrific achievement, a PhD in Psychology. He has worked so hard and it's wonderful to see him reach this milestone. Congrats, honey.

Mom and Dad Stillman came to support him and Miss Claire helped him plant his own personal brick in the FSU Psychology courtyard.

I have been harrassed about how I don't do ponytails in Claire's hair, so I gave in today and this is what I came up with. I'm sorry, but you have to admit that is one cute baby.

Finally, I saw this on my way home from work a couple of days ago. Nothing to say, really - I can only share it. So you will feel as violated as I did.

I started to say "thank goodness for camera phones," but then I thought, perhaps the readers don't feel that way. Still, someone has to be witness to the craziness that is the South.

Deep concentration

2009-08-06T21:35:00.004-04:00

This is clearly a very important text.

It's hard when everybody wants a piece of you. But can you blame them? I mean, really. If you looked like this in your wedding finery, people would be after you too.

Guh

2009-07-29T09:53:00.003-04:00

I was just reminded that the Florida bar exam is happening this very minute. It made me think about summer 2006 when I was studying for that monster. Then I thought about 2003 - 2006, the foggy haze of law school.

Here's what I've been thinking about suffering that gives me some comfort (in reference to my downer post a couple of months ago):

The LSAT is over. Law school is over (and with it the dreaded Socratic method). The bar exam is OVER. Waiting for a nice husband is over. Waiting for a baby is over. I got through it, I survived, I made it!

It's been a while

2009-07-23T09:35:00.007-04:00

We went home to visit family from July 9th to the 21st. It's a long time to live out of suitcases and not be able to walk around freely in our underwear.

HOWEVER. With two grandmas, two grandpas, two uncles, six aunts, ten boy-cousins, eleven girl-cousins, there is a lot of quality time to be spent.

I don't have all my pictures downloaded but here are a couple of Claire's early birthday party with the Stillmans.

She loved being sung to. She couldn't contain her joy, so she attempted mid-air splits.

She was quite curious about her cake. (The pointy finger is an accurate indicator).

She thought it was delicious,

But she did NOT like having it all over her hands.

July 6th, Day of Greatness

2009-07-06T06:22:00.014-04:00

My husband was born on this day. Let's celebrate.

He is a very cheerful person. I don't mean in-your-face cheerful (like Tim Robbins' character in "The Sure Thing" for example) but just very steady and even and optimistic.

Oh, how he has come to love the AMC series "Breaking Bad." He equally loves the Biography channel show "I Survived."

Loves Charles Krauthammer and Fareed Zakaria.

Will eat absolutely anything I cook, except will not eat asparagus without some mayonnaise.

And no celery. Alligator, yes. But no celery.

Sometimes I tell myself that these are his two favorite things.

But these are his real two favorite things - Claire (#1) sitting on his lawn (#2).

Love you, honey. Glad you were born!

What a girl!

2009-06-20T14:01:00.000-04:00

Claire had some teeth come in a few weeks ago.

She's also been clapping her hands and waving, although both are tough to get her to do on command. (Tyler got this picture like a total GENIUS).

The other day we took her on a walk. While we stopped to chat with our neighbor Charlie she favored him with a high-wattage smile like the one above. He was completely charmed, muttering "what a girl. What a girl!"

I couldn't agree more. What a girl!

For instance, she is a dancer and lover of music. Watch patiently if you want to witness exceptional grace and rhythm.

When my nephew Josh Newman was four or five years old I was dancing really hard to entertain him at the level he so richly deserved. After I had nearly killed myself to do so, he glanced at me in marginal approval, nodded slightly, and said, "good dancin'."

My point in telling this story: good dancin', Claire. Good dancin'.

______________________________________________________

Finally: I want to take a minute and thank SuperWHY.

SuperWHY, you have given me 25 minutes a day that I can count on. You have given me.....

...this.

Developments

2009-06-15T07:50:00.000-04:00

1. Claire has turned into a Daddy's girl overnight.

2. I don't like it one bit.

Very Good Time

2009-06-08T15:10:00.000-04:00

Things are very good right now. We are just enjoying our little home and our little girl. We had some family come out to visit and loved every minute we got to spend with them.

My grandma says that Claire is always smiling (yay for tupperware!).

I felt I should correct that misconception. Claire smiles a lot, but her other common expression is a mixture of thoughtful, bemused, and deeply contemplative. For example:

Contemplative about her first bite of chocolate chip cookie. Thank you Aunt Allison.

Trying to figure out exactly why Grandma Stillman must leave Tallahassee in a few minutes.

Bemused about mommy's bicycle wheel while riding with Grandpa Lowe at Hilton Head, SC.

Let's get a close up. She's not messing around. She looked at that wheel, just like this, for about a half a mile.

Perplexed about (a) her first experience with ocean waves, and (b) why Grandma Lowe gets to wear a bathing suit but she doesn't. (Answer: getting babies out of wet suits is the opposite of fun. And really, all they need is a hat and 3/4 ton of baby sunscreen).

Our garden has been gorgeous lately. We've had peaches (eaten by squirrels), strawberries (eaten by fruit flies), and a lot of tomatoes (to be eaten by me).

My favorite, though, is Tyler's sunflower. Isn't this great? (Plus, Tyler looks good in this shirt. Double yum).

Claire also approves of the garden. Additionally, she approves of our matching outfits on Sunday. I didn't plan this, but it worked out quite well, I think.

Why I Oughtta

2009-05-23T04:39:00.000-04:00

This one is sitting like a big girl while mom folds up the stroller. She's feelin' pretty good after getting some fresh, muggy, air.

I’ve been thinking lately about when she’s 12, 18, 25 years old. I don’t know why, but lately I’ve been afraid of falling into the “after all I’ve done for you” trap. I don’t want to feel that way about my kids, even when they’re acting ungrateful.

This is the reason: out of the two participants in the parent/child relationship, there is no question that I have benefited more. Claire has depended on me and Tyler in every way for her survival. But I can’t come close to articulating what I have gained from being Claire’s mom. It’s a privilege to love someone that much, and to take care of them in every way.

Sidney Poitier has this great speech in the movie “Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner.” (Speaking to his father) “You tell me what rights I've got or haven't got, and what I owe to you for what you've done for me. Let me tell you something. I owe you nothing! If you carried that bag a million miles, you did what you're supposed to do! Because you brought me into this world. And from that day you owed me everything you could ever do for me like I will owe my son if I ever have another.”

I’m not saying my children should be allowed to be total sh*ts. But on the flip side, if I have a good kid who is living a good life and talks nicely to me, I don’t want to feel entitled, like they have to work off some debt to me. I want to let them breathe, let them go. It is their right to live and experience and make mistakes. And I was blessed to ever be a parent in the first place.

All movies

2009-05-12T09:15:00.000-04:00

Why can't all movies be like Star Trek and Iron Man? Every producer, director, studio executive, writer, casting director, anyone even thinking about making movies should be required to fill out this checklist before they put said movie together:

1. Leading man or woman must: (a) be somewhat easy on the eyes; (b) have charisma and sense of humor; (c) the acting chops to handle emotional scenes with authenticity;

2. If romance is part of the movie, it must not feel "thrown in there for the female demographic." Must contain chemistry, must be organic to the story, must contain wit without appearing like it's trying to be witty, must feel...authentic;

3. Must have Zachary Quinto in it.

I was going to list more, but...just didn't end up doing that. I am a fickle woman.

Hair and Personal Beauty

2009-05-08T10:44:00.000-04:00

Look at this hair! (Compared to 4 months ago)

She is, to steal a word commonly used by her Stillman aunts, scrump-diddly-umptious.

Guessing game

2009-05-07T11:18:00.000-04:00

Someone is teething. I won't say who. But someone is very very fussy and grumpy. The only things that help are cold chewie toys, constantly being carried around, and hanging upside down.

Some other people kind of wish they could be whisked away to a tropical island to sit quietly in the sun for a few hours.

Some facts about the birthday girl

2009-04-28T22:00:00.000-04:00

She’s pretty when she cries. Most people’s faces get all kinds of ugly when they cry, but her face is still beautiful. And it’s a good thing too, because she cries 7 or 8 times a day.When things are going well.

She makes the best chocolate chip cookies EVER.

Debra has very insightful opinions on all things Hollywood—directors, actors, movies, etc. I have stopped thinking for myself.

She’s the pickiest lettuce eater on planet earth. Sometimes it’s too white, sometimes it’s too green, sometimes it’s just too lettucey. She’ll eat about 4% of the lettuce in your average salad.

She’s very easy to comfort. This is because she tells me exactly what I need to say to comfort her. For example:

Deb: “Honey, I’m worried about our finances. Tell me everything will be OK”.

Me: “Everything will be OK”

Deb (in tears) “You’re so comforting!”

She can get ready for work in about 25 minutes—24 of which are in the shower. No kidding.

She is a very good mother, and loves her daughter with her whole soul.

She actually hates to nag.

Her husband is a very lucky man.

Little Delight

2009-04-20T18:38:00.000-04:00

This girl is such a gentle and sweet natured little thing. Listen to that laugh! On the one hand, I can't wait for her to be older just so I can hear that voice talking. On the other, I feel like asking her to please not get teeth or grow bigger.

Cosmic Question

2009-04-20T15:45:00.000-04:00

Here's something I've had on my mind lately and I would love to hear thoughts on it.

I can't wrap my mind around the purpose of pain and suffering. Now, I see the purpose of pain and suffering in my life. Law school was hard. I cried a lot. The first two months of Claire's life were hard. I went nutso from sleep deprivation. It's hard for Tyler and I to not know where we're going to end up, what's going to happen to us. We both really miss our families and wish that they could see Claire grow and be adorable. Day to day life feels really tough sometimes.

But I get those trials. You struggle, you talk and pray about them, you come out a little more humble or smarter or faithful, or whatever it is you need to learn from them.

Then you hear about women getting gang raped in the Congo or Chernobyl orphans with sickening birth defects getting manhandled by nurses in orphanages or abused kids getting kicked around foster homes with no support system and you wonder, is there a point where tribulation is just...I mean, what is the point of that kind of deep, naked suffering?

(And what did I do to deserve my life? Nothing. Hence, my guilt).

Swing Time

2009-04-14T16:48:00.000-04:00

First, I was less than dazzled.

Then, I started to wonder why mom and dad were looking at me with such expectation. Was this supposed to be fun? What was I missing?

Well, then I just started having a super time!

2009-04-08T17:40:00.000-04:00

This picture contradicts the day I just had with this little stinker. However. How could I not share it?

Growin' up

2009-04-02T18:07:00.000-04:00

Ah, growing up. Making my own decisions. Striking out on my own.

I'm learning to share...

...helping mom out (see how I hold the umbrella)...

...creating innovative sounds with my mouth...

...even styling my own hair.

I'm kind of wonderful. Ask my mom and dad.

Tell me why

2009-04-01T09:49:00.000-04:00

Tell me why I paid $279.31 last month in utilities for a 1,000 square foot house, when my sister pays around $100.00 a month for her 4,000 square foot house.

I would like to sue Tallahassee for being lame.

Sitting up

2009-03-20T19:30:00.000-04:00

Some thoughts and updates:

I have decided that humility is the scriptural term for self-awareness and personal accountability. I'm sure that's not news to many, but still.

I think have economy depression.

This previous comment edited to say that Tyler stood up for me this week and it was really sweet of him. Isn't that mysterious....

And oh, this little one. She is so close to sitting up on her own. But for now there are pillows. And the eventual topple.

She's also talking like a pro.

She is a living doll in this little polka dot dress. She could NOT be bothered to smile when there were things to put in her mouth. I mean, really.

Buds

2009-03-11T10:03:00.000-04:00

These are my best friends.

But you will notice, (a) one does not have command of the English language, and (b) one is a boy.

I need a few more of the adult female variety.

Other helpful characteristics beyond adultness and femaleness: lives in Tallahassee, has a flexible schedule (because I don't), love of walks, Chick Fil A shakes, and/or American Idol. Does not live in the dreaded Talla Villa, the inevitable destination of 95% of young LDS mothers, that is one million light years away from my house.

I just need to get out more.

Six Months, New Car

2009-03-01T16:46:00.000-05:00

Well, we got a new car, a 2009 Ford Escape. We love, loooove it. Tyler proved to be a talented haggler. It's got 125 miles on it and we got it for like $6,000 under the new price. It's so pretty and smells so good (leather inside) that I wouldn't mind living in there for a while. But I won't, because that would be really weird.

On to more important things, though. Claire turned 6 months old on Friday. In celebration of this milestone I am posting a boatload of pics. Claire looked so cute a couple of Sundays ago that I went nuts with the camera.

I love this little sweetheart. Tyler and I hang on her every movement to see what she'll do next.

Claire, mommy loves you. I hope you will always be confident in who you are and what you believe in. I hope you're always kind to others but also smart about them. Someday I will wish I could have frozen all these beautiful moments with my little baby and go back in time to hold you. I know I won't be able to, so I'm trying to enjoy every second.

The Toy Spaceship

2009-02-19T18:41:00.000-05:00

We just bought Claire the mother of all jumper/bouncer thingies. She could lift off in this thing and spend years in space without ever needing another toy.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

2009-02-14T11:24:00.001-05:00

MISSING

2009-02-04T08:20:00.000-05:00

MISSING: One pint of Haagen Dazs Chocolate Peanut Butter Ice Cream.

The carton was not taken.

I DO NOT understand what happened. One minute it was there and the next it was gone. And I don't want to believe that this little one could be the culprit.

But honestly, who else could it be?